FRIDAY WRAP: CommerzBank’s new crystal waterfall CEO, ex-Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun’s last laugh, OpenAI’s flipfloppers, and Jamie Dimon says

Introduction

LIVE from your ESG dust bunny collection, it’s a Business Pants Friday Show here at September 27th Lane Studios, featuring AnalystHole-man Matt Moscardi. On today’s weekly wrap up: CommerzBank’s new CEO is perched on a Glass Cliff overlooking a crystal waterfall, Cards Against Humanity is actually for humanity but against Elon Musk, former Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun is laughing on a beach while you’re white-knuckling a redeye to Tampa, and Jamie Dimon says.

The Friday Show is being sponsored by Free Float Analytics, the only platform measuring board power, connections, and performance for FREE.

Story of the Week (DR):

1. Caroline Ellison gets 2 years for covering up Sam Bankman-Fried’s FTX fraud

1. Caroline Ellison, former CEO of Alameda Research, "deeply regrets" FTX lies, must now forfeit $11 billion.

2. Elliott to call special Southwest shareholder meeting for leadership overhaul

1. Southwest Airlines says it will introduce assigned seats and premium perks in 2026

2. CEO Bob Jordan: “I hope you can tell that the plan that we presented today was intentful, the plan was detailed, the plan was well constructed. For Elliott to call that plan rushed and haphazard is inane.”

1. Included in those plans were several developments:

1. The company expects to reduce headcount by at least 2,000 people through the end of the year, with more to come.

2. The company will very slowly increase seat capacity in order to put upward pressure on fares.

3. The company will continue rolling out its new assigned-seating plans in an about-face from its longstanding policy.

4. The company will initiate a $2.5 billion share buyback program.

3. Germany’s Commerzbank appoints first woman CEO in its 154-year history, as Italian rival UniCredit’s threatens hostile takeover DR

1. CFO Bettina Orlopp has been preparing for the top role at Commerzbank since at least 2020, when Martin Zielke was forced out in a shareholder revolt. While she was a top internal contender at the time, the lender ultimately passed over her for Knof, an outsider hired from Deutsche Bank AG.

2. The announcement came barely two weeks after CEO Manfred Knof said he wouldn’t seek a new term when his current one runs out at the end of next year. Her first task will be to defend Commerzbank against Italian rival UniCredit and its CEO, Andrea Orcel, who has rapidly built a major stake in the competitor and is threatening a hostile takeover. This is Glass Cliff meets Glass War?

4. OpenAI CTO Murati shocks with sudden departure as two other execs leave

1. Mira Murati joined OpenAI in 2018, serving for six-and-a-half years in various leadership roles, most recently as the CTO. Also on Wednesday, OpenAI Chief Research Officer Bob McGrew and VP of Research Barret Zoph resigned independently of each other, but perhaps precipitated by the Murati news

2. OpenAI wants to become a for-profit company — and give Sam Altman a lot of equity

1. News of the ChatGPT maker's restructuring came amid a series of high-level executive departures at the AI startup

2. Reuters, citing unnamed sources familiar with the matter, reports that the ChatGPT maker is reorganizing its central business into what’s known as a benefit corporation, a for-profit company with the goal of creating a positive impact on society. That also means that it won’t be controlled by its non-profit board.

3. CEO Sam Altman will also get what could total roughly $150 billion of equity (7%?) in the newly restructured company. The OpenAI nonprofit will live on, however, and will hold a minority stake in the company.

5. Terminator director James Cameron joins Stability AI’s board of directors.

1. That’s Terminator, the movie which explores the potential dangers of AI dominance and rebellion, where robots become self-aware, reject human authority, and determine that the human race needs to be destroyed.

2. Stability Executive Chair Sean Parker: founded Napster, first President of Facebook, pre-college dropout

Goodliest of the Week (MM, pretending to be AB):

1. Vanguard Fined for Greenwashing as Australia Targets ESG Claims

2. Boeing confirms production of 737s has halted 

3. Cards Against Humanity’s lawsuit against Elon Musk is a brilliant stunt that makes a serious point

4. Apple Tax Boon to Go Toward Housing, Energy, Irish Premier Says DR

1. Intake could help benefit Ireland’s economic security: Irish Prime Minister Simon Harris

2. Ireland will dedicate the nearly €14 billion ($15.6 billion) tax bill–which is the equivalent of 14% of government spending this year, or some €2,700 for every man, woman and child– for housing, energy and water infrastructure.

Assholiest of the Week (MM):

1. RIDDLE: If a Dave Calhoun falls in a forest, does it make $47m as an exit bonus?

1. YESTERDAY: Boeing expects disruption 2-3 weeks beyond end of strike, says Ryanair

2. TODAY: Safety Board Warns of Rudder Control Defect in Some Boeing Planes

1. Prominently featured on the Boeing Safety Committee that was created post 2019 crashes: Larry Kellner (director since 2011) and Ed Giambastiani (director since 2009, greenlit Max 8 planes)

2. RIDDLE: Gerard Guillemot, Claude Guillemot, Michel Guillemot, Christian Guillemot, who have 68% influence, enter a bar with three employee reps, an HR exec, two finance execs, a software advertiser, and a professor who have 12% collective influence.  Which one of them holds Yves Guillemot, the CEO of a slumping software company accountable for something?  

1. Ubisoft's Board Of Directors Will Investigate And Review The Company To Find A Way Out Of Its Current Slump - PlayStation Universe

2. Video game maker Ubisoft in chaos after anti-DEI backlash

1. Yes, because when I think “woke company”, I think of these faces:

3. RIDDLE: Who is the bigger quitter, the quitter who quits to save a narcissistic CEO who doesn’t have total power, or the quitter who quits because their narcissistic CEO has total power and will wreck humanity? DR

1. OpenAI Execs Mass Quit as Company Removes Control From Non-Profit Board and Hands It to Sam Altman

Exhausting-est of the Week (DR, pretending to be JS):

1. Most corporate net-zero targets don’t go nearly far enough, analysis finds DR

1. Google and Volvo Group, however, win props for emerging good practices in corporate net-zero target setting, according to Net Zero Tracker.

2. Mark Zuckerberg's shirt says 'All Zuck or All Nothing' in Latin

1. Meta's misinformation problem has local election officials struggling to get out the truth

3. Elon Musk criticizes censorship, but his X grants more government requests than Twitter did

1. According to The Washington Post, which reviewed X’s report, the website acted on 71% of the legal requests it received to remove content during the first half of 2024. That’s up 20% from 2021 and more than the roughly 30% of requests it complied with in prior years

4. Jamie Dimon says American schools should teach nutrition and financial literacy

1. Jamie Dimon says he likes Elon Musk's idea to start a DOGE, or Department of Government Efficiency

2. Sam Altman says if you're afraid of bots taking your job, you should get good with AI

3. Sam Altman says doing psychedelics during a weekend retreat in Mexico changed his life

4. Sam Altman says AI superintelligence could be just ‘a few thousand days’ away

Headliniest of the Week

1. DR: Ford wants to protect drivers from becoming drug traffickers by accident: A new patent is for a cargo detection device that would help drivers not become “blind mules” for drugs

2. MM: Activist Investor Elliott Wants Southwest Airlines to Ditch Polo Shirts and Shorts in Move to Make it More Upmarket 

1. Elliott is rumored to be pushing to make Southwest’s uniform more premium by eliminating the laid back polo shirts and shorts that flight attendants and airport staff are currently allowed to wear.

Who Won the Week?

1. DR: Sam Altman

1. Or is it Mira Murati?

2. MM: Robby Starbuck - Black and Decker reverses DEI policies

Predictions

1. DR: OpenAI changes to for-profit, Sam Altman gets about 9% in equity but says: “I really had very little to do with this” 

2. MM: I read this: James Cameron, Who Warned of Skynet, Joins Board of AI Company and realized we’re so serious about board skills that I predict one of the actors wearing a Donald Duck costume at Disney will be chosen by Carl Icahn to join the board of Chick-fil-A and keep the board apprised of the plight of poultry