FRIDAY WRAP: the IPCC's woke climate change report, the FTC's cancels your gym membership, Howard Schultz's sunset letter, buy-now-afford-never

LIVE from your personalized “ESG DEI” Tesla license plate, it’s a Business Pants Friday Show here at March 24th Studios, featuring all your favorites: Ari the data queen, Jessie the money whisperer, BS-man Matt Moscardi.

On today’s weekly wrap up: Business Pants’ new favorite company, Ari’s ongoing obsession with 3D printers,  talking a-holes, and people ignoring how much Daniel Ek sucks and hides behind his alias “Spotify”

Story of the Week (DR):

1. Swiss Bank Suckiness JS

1. We’ve covered it enough

2. The US Learns TikTok CEO’s name AB 

1. “Here’s a bipartisan assessment of today’s TikTok hearing at the House Energy and Commerce Committee: It was a disaster for the popular video-sharing app and its CEO, Shou Zi Chew.”

2. 2 key takeaways:

1. Washington has already made up its mind about TikTok

2. TikTok CEO stresses its practices are no different than US tech giants

3. The IPCC Climate Science Report MM DR

1. The IPCC’s climate report has drawn the battle lines for Cop28: oil profits or a livable future

4. Starbucks becomes Business Pants’ favorite company ever? 

1. Boomerang CEOs

1. Howard Schultz

2. Superstar CEO nonsense

1. Howard pulls a Bob?

1. Starbucks fast-tracks CEO handover ahead of annual shareholder meeting, Schultz testimony

3. Southeast Asian CEO theory

1. Laxman Narasimhan

4. Three of our categories in harmony: CEOs Rule + Stakeholders Rule = Wars

1. After 'union-buster' Howard Schultz departs as Starbucks CEO, his replacement underwent barista training. The rank and file isn't buying it

5. Corny CEO bullshit

1. New Starbucks CEO says he'll work a half-day behind a store counter monthly as he plans to prioritize 'human connection over every cup of coffee'

6. Fun data disclosure

1. Proxy director favorite drinks

1. Doppio Macchiato with steamed skim milk

7. The ultimate ESG DEI chair

1. Mellody Hobson

Goodliest of the Week (AB):

1. Relativity Space launches first 3D-printed rocket

1. Blue Origin and SpaceX may have an annoying little sibling taking the spotlight!!! 

2. Terran 1 is 85% made from 3d printing (first in the world), had to build giant 3d printers of metal (biggest in the world)

3. A successful launch was a milestone for additive manufacturing proving the technology can work, currently being used by rocket and aerospace companies but only to make certain parts, no one had attempted at printing the entire body of a rocket before

4. The printer can put a rocket together in 60 days, where SpaceX and Blue Origin can take 1 to 2 years

2. The FTC proposes 'Click to Cancel' rule that would make it easier — and cheaper — to cancel subscriptions and memberships MM JS DR

1. Intended "to make it as easy for consumers to cancel their enrollment as it was to sign up." The policy would cover both digital and physical subscriptions including, but not limited to, digital streaming, gym memberships, phone companies, and cable TV services.

2. Other changes proposed by the FTC include the ability for customers to decide whether or not sellers can pitch additional offers as they're trying to cancel a subscription

3. Elon Musk needs Twitter advertisers, but they’re not coming back

1. Of their Top 10 advertisers on the platform before Musk took over, only 6 are still advertising. Their revenue was down 40%

2. “Main concern is a perception that Musk has turned Twitter into a place where people can post racist, sexist, or otherwise harmful speech without much consequence.“

4. Biden’s veto

Assholiest of the Week (MM):

This week’s theme is “who said it assholiest”:

1. Howard Schultz: “I am leaving you with this letter, written on the sunset of my last day as ceo for all of you to read on the morning of this new era. This is not a letter with advice. Everything you need to know resides inside of each of you.” JS MM

1. From this story: Howard Schultz’ letter to leaders as he steps down

2. I know I need healthcare - should I look somewhere in my anus or can I maybe ask my employer to give me some?  Oh, right, I’m not a leader…

2. ND Representative Bill Tveit: “In my opinion, ESG is a worldwide human satanic organization effort.  A manmade sabotage of God.”

1. From this story: Audio recording reveals coordinated push against ESG investing

2. From tree hugging hippies to capitalists back to satanic hippies?

3. Erin in Bastrop Texas: "The thought of this happening is horrifying. This stuff — and we don't even know what it is — going into the river that we depend on for food production." AB 

1. From this story: Texans sound off against Elon Musk's 'horrifying' plans for dumping The Boring Company wastewater into Colorado River

2. You do know what it is - it’s California has too many woke rules about putting turpentine in rivers, so Musk moved to Texas where he can put his used space rockets in the Rio Grande

4. Shou Chew: “More than 150 million people in the United States use TikTok on a monthly basis, with the average user today being an adult well past college age. Their videos provide a lens through which the rest of the world can experience American culture.” DR

1. Testimony Before the U.S. House Committee on Energy and Commerce

2. WE LOOK LIKE IDIOTS

Exhausting-est of the Week (JS):

1. Spotify has reportedly spent less than 10 percent of its Joe Rogan apology fund AB

1. Spotify’s financial apology for Joe Rogan's spread of misinformation about COVID is a $100M Creator Equity Fund, a pool meant to foster diversity in podcasts and music, in its first year of operation

2. Spotify planned to spend the whole fund over three years, but hasn't had a solid structure for approving spending, leading to spending ONLY 10% of the fund in over a year

3. In February, unionized workers at Parcast, a Spotify podcast network, complained to management that Spotify had greenlit just $5,000 out of the $100,000 earmarked for diversity plans

4. This was clearly an empty promise to quiet angry listeners while prioritizing the real thing that matters to Spotify- their lucrative relationship with Rogan who’s Spotify-exclusive podcast is the #1 show in 93 countries

2. Buy-Now-Pay-Later: Forget luxury goods, US shoppers are now using buy-now-pay-later services to pay for groceries MM DR

1. Historically, these services have been used to purchase luxury goods. But now, critics and regulators believe they encourage young people to spend beyond their means and get into debt

2. While the number of online purchases made using BNPL services grew in the last two months, revenue fell by 19% year-over-year — indicating that customers are using these services for cheaper items

Who Won the Week?

1. DR: UBS

2. AB: Digital Banks: Mercury added more than $2 billion in deposits in 6 days after SVB closed, Brex added 3,000 new customers and reportedly also took in billions in new deposits

3. MM: Laxmin, because Schultz made such a shitstorm leaving, that even fewer people are paying attention to him

Predictions

1. DR: Laxmin “The Anti-Coffee” Narasimhan bores baristas into giving up their union dreams

2. MM: Howard Schultz releases a poetry book titled “The apron resides in each of us” that makes the NYT best seller list, he’s featured on Oprah, and he donates the proceeds to fund Vivek’s presidential campaign