FRIDAY WRAP: Super Jesus Arrest Bowl, sushi terrorists lick food, Meta's charity drag, efficiency evangelism, and our office is awesome

LIVE from your icecube’s favorite icicle, it’s a Business Pants Friday Show here at February 3rd Street Studios, featuring Ari the data queen, Jessie the money whisperer, and nobody else! Matt is in icy Boston begging for cash. On today’s weekly wrapup: Tech austerity, sushi terrorism, drive-thru-only gay-hating fastfood chicken, and bleach drinkers!  

Story of the Week (DR):

1. Tech’s Biggest Companies Discover Austerity, to the Relief of Investors AB

1. After years of expansion and billions in profits, Big Tech is pulling back from its famously lavish spending as a long boom finally ends.

2. It was the worst year that the tech industry had experienced on Wall Street since the financial crisis of 2008. Apple, Amazon, Alphabet, Microsoft and Meta lost a combined $3.9 trillion in market value.

3. Now chastened, many tech companies have begun the year by championing a new and unfamiliar business strategy: austerity.

4. In recent months, several companies have said they are looking for ways to cut costs and eliminate futuristic projects that have become money pits. Amazon, Alphabet, Microsoft and Meta have each announced plans to lay off more than 10,000 workers.

2. PagerDuty CEO Jennifer Tejada apologizes after quoting Martin Luther King Jr. in layoff announcement MM

1. I am reminded in moments like this, of something Martin Luther King said, that “the ultimate measure of a [leader] is not where [they] stand in the moments of comfort and convenience, but where [they] stand in times of challenge and controversy.”

1. "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."

3. The ongoing mess that is sports (the Super Bowl edition) JS DR

1. First, Toxic masculinity

1. Cincinnati Bengals’ Joe Mixon Issued Arrest Warrant For Allegedly Pointing Gun At Woman

2. Eagles’ reserve lineman charged with rape ahead of Super Bowl

3. Mysterious donors are paying millions to run commercials for Jesus during the Super Bowl

4. Molson Coors and DraftKings team up to let fans bet on 'high stakes' Super Bowl ad

Goodliest of the Week (AB):

1. Amsterdam Introduces Underwater Garage That Fits No Cars

1. It will fit 11k bicycles though

2. In the Netherlands, bicycles outnumber citizens, 35% of people in Amsterdam use bicycles daily

2. EU sets out green industry deal to take on U.S. and China JS

1. EU leaders are concerned that the $369 billion for green subsidies in the US will encourage companies to relocate. The International Energy Agency estimates the global market for mass-produced clean energy will triple to $650 billion/year by 2030, while manufacturing jobs will DOUBLE. The European Commission this week wants to be a part of the net-zero economy and has  proposed increasing $$ to make it more attractive; the EU would also simplify regulation, recruit and upskill more workers, and secure raw materials through trade agreements. 

3. ‘Sushi terrorism' is spreading as pranksters lick food, utensils in Japan's conveyor belt restaurants MM DR

Assholiest of the Week (MM):

1. King Charles pledges £1.95m in donations to seven causes close to his heart

1. The Carers Trust will receive a large grant of £300,000 to support the work they do in representing and campaigning on behalf of the estimated seven million people in the UK who have been forced to become unpaid carers - which is driving them into poverty.

2. Charles net worth: $400M; Royal family: $28B

2. The world is 'dangerously unprepared' to handle the next pandemic, the Red Cross says in a scathing report

3. A Chick-fil-A restaurant's traffic got so bad that city officials ordered it to be demolished and plan to build a new drive-thru-only location DR

1. The city's solution to the restaurant's traffic-clogging line was to add more drive-thru lanes and eliminate the dining room. 

4. Meta exec warns philanthropy and worker perks can 'create drag' on a company. 'You must be willing to focus and prioritize.' AB JS

1. Meta CTO Andrew Bosworth said he misses the days when the company was more focused.

2. In a blog post, he called out the firm's philanthropy and worker perks as areas that could "create drag."

3. It's not clear how much Meta donates to charity every year or how many people are working on its charitable activities. Bosworth and a spokesperson for Meta did not respond to a request for comment regarding the company's charitable donations.

Exhausting-est of the Week (JS):

1.  Efficiency evangelists MM JS

1. Mark Zuckerberg

1. During a call with Wall Street analysts Zuckerberg said his new push for "efficiency" in 2023 is inspired by how much better the company seemed to perform in the wake of November's mass layoffs and other moves, like closing offices. 

2. He is earning the title of Chopper-in-Chief

2. Amazon

1. “Amazon is adding about a thousand robots a day. ... If you compare the number of robots Amazon has to the number of employees, it’s about a third. And we believe that by the year 2030 Amazon can have more robots than employees,” 

2. Your psychology is being hacked by online retailers: Online retailers use psychological tricks and marketing tools to get consumers to make purchases. AB 

1. Here are some of the most common ways:

1. Discounts in exchange for your phone number- "Having a cell phone number is probably the single most valuable source of communication with a customer right now”

2. ApplePay and buy now, pay later programs

3. Buy online, pick up in store- many times shoppers will pick up something extra in store

4. Scarcity- showing quantity remaining, or sales for specific time frame, items held in cart for limited time…

5. Social proof- Positive ratings/reviews, influencer marketing

3. Can we just all agree to stop drinking bleach? JS

1. If you enter the term “Miracle Mineral Solution” into the search bar on Amazon.com, you’ll see that there’s a wide selection of products that online reviewers say cure everything from asthma to arthritis.

2. The problem is that the cure-all potion commonly known as MMS is, in essence, industrial grade bleach

3. WHO IS LEAVING THE REVIEWS? HOW ARE THEY ALIVE TO LEAVE THEM? 

4. BLEACH IS TOXIC PEOPLE!!!!!!

Who Won the Week?

1. DR: old-fashioned wall street fucknuts that get excited with the delicious combination of layoffs and stock buybacks JS’ mic

2. AB: SW CIO 

3. MM: The Soft Landing

4. JS: WE DID! OUR OFFICE

Predictions

1. DR: Matt says the words “bro/dude/guy/ace/poison/disrupt/monetize/pipeline/pivot/platform” a combined 495 times at his VC meeting today

2. AB:. Matt comes back with 10 million dollars and Beyonce does not break Ticketmaster, leaving them to think they are awesome but they are not and have killed live music for my generation

3. MM: I will not be able to figure out tech in the office

4. JS: We ALL SURVIVE this weekend losing no more than one toe or finger to frostbite