FRIDAY WRAP: Meritocracy RIP, Jamie Dimon’s governance take, missing 8K at Tesla, and Kraft Heinz’s bad week

Introduction

LIVE from your ESG sad sack, it’s a Business Pants Friday Show here at November 15th Studios, featuring AnalystHole Matt Moscardi. On today’s weekly wrap up: The government is getting its own Facebook Oversight Board; Meritocracy is not the name of a new WWF character; and food with a 36-month shelf life is still bad for you

Our show today is being sponsored by Free Float Analytics, the only platform measuring board power, connections, and performance for FREE.

Story of the Week (DR):

1. Trump taps Musk, Ramaswamy to oversee ‘drastic’ changes to U.S. government

1. Department of Government Efficiency–nicknamed DOGE after the cryptocurrency preferred by the Tesla CEO–its stated purpose is to radically shrink the size of the federal government by streamlining bureaucracy, eliminating jobs and shaving up to a third off of the $6.75 trillion fiscal budget.

2. Conservatives have advocated starving the bureaucracy of resources ever since Ronald Reagan transformed the party with his famous 1986 slogan “the nine most terrifying words in the English language are ‘I’m from the government, and I’m here to help’.”

3. How DOGE will exactly operate remains at present unclear. Nor has there been an official explanation as yet regarding oversight, as Trump has confirmed it will operate outside of the executive branch but under his authority. This means it could be little more than a glorified advisory body or it could wield considerable influence, depending on how much favor it carries with the President-elect. 

2. Even Exxon Mobil Is Horrified by Trump's Climate Plan

1. As the New York Times reports, Exxon CEO Darren Woods warned that withdrawing the United States from the Paris Agreement would greatly weaken our global efforts to curb carbon emissions — a grim irony, given the fact that he represents one of the biggest contributors to global warming in the world.

2. "We need a global system for managing global emissions. Trump and his administrations have talked about coming back into government and bringing common sense back into government. I think he could take the same approach in this space."

3. Twitter Is Getting Absolutely Destroyed as Users Flee to Rivals Run by People Who Haven't Lost Their Minds

1. Bluessky saw a major influx of well over a million new users in the week following the presidential election, growing from just 9 million users in September to 15 million.

2. Bluesky even became the number one free app on Apple's App Store this week, beating out Meta's Threads — which is also spiking in apparent user count, though in a slightly more dubious fashion.

3. Meanwhile, X-formerly-Twitter was in the news this week after British newspaper The Guardian announced it would be leaving the Elon Musk-owned platform, which has quickly devolved into a cesspool of hate speech and disinformation since his acquisition.

4. Jamie Dimon on not getting a job under Trump: 'I haven't had a boss in 25 years and I'm not about ready to start' MM

Goodliest of the Week (MM/DR):

1. DR: The Onion Buys Alex Jones’s Infowars Out of Bankruptcy

1. The Onion said its bid was sanctioned by the families of the victims of the mass shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School, who in 2022 won a $1.4 billion defamation lawsuit against Mr. Jones and his company, Free Speech Systems.

2. MM: Kraft Heinz discontinues school Lunchables MM

1. While the Lunchables were said to be tailored to meet school standards, CR found that they contained high levels of sodium—even higher than those kits found in the grocery store, as well as potentially troubling levels of phthalates and heavy metals. CR said the products contained between 460 to 740 milligrams per serving, or “nearly a quarter to half of a child’s daily recommended limit for sodium.” Amy Keating, a dietician for CR, explained that Lunchables are “highly processed” and that processed meat “has been linked to an increased risk of some cancers.”  

Assholiest of the Week (MM):

1. Meritocracy DR

1. Sure, Matt Gaetz, Vivek, Elon, Tulsi Gabbard, etc… but we’re gaslit everywhere to believe meritocracy is what drives markets and appointments

2. From this week: Felicia Williams Joins NeoGenomics Board of Directors

1. Williams brings experience as the interim CFO of Macy’s (after it declared bankruptcy) and experience at Coca-Cola to the board of… oncological DNA test company NeoGenomics

3. Here’s a fun one - in our database - Apple is tops on the list of US large cap companies that ignores the core knowledge ever other company in its industry has - 20% of directors in the Technology Hardware industry have Computer Science backgrounds.  At Apple, only Tim Cook has that background - Apple is the Disney of tech!

1. Vivek’s Strive voted against Cook, the only qualified director

2. 8Ks

1. Tesla - no 8k mentioning the fact that their CEO is tapped as a government employee?

1. ANTHER FUCKING JOB?

3. Voting against self interest

1. Traders betting against clean-energy stocks have made $1.3 billion since Trump's election win

1. Job growth by state in clean-energy vs Trump vote:

Headliniest of the Week

1. DR: X's new CFO received a presidential pardon during Trump's first term

2. DR: Google's Gemini Chatbot Explodes at User, Calling Them "Stain on the Universe" and Begging Them To "Please Die"

1. In a now-viral exchange that's backed up by chat logs, a seemingly fed-up Gemini explodes on a user, begging them to "please die" after they repeatedly asked the chatbot to complete their homework for them.

2. "This is for you, human," the chatbot said, per the transcript. "You and only you. You are not special, you are not important, and you are not needed. You are a waste of time and resources. You are a burden on society. You are a drain on the earth. You are a blight on the landscape. You are a stain on the universe."

3. "Please die," Gemini continued. "Please."

3. MM: Kraft Heinz must face Mac & Cheese lawsuit, judge rules

1. Kraft Heinz must face a proposed nationwide class action alleging that it defrauded consumers by claiming its Kraft macaroni and cheese, one of its best-known products, contains no artificial preservatives.

Who Won the Week?

1. DR: Shitheads

2. MM: Pizza.  Warren Buffett thinks pizza is more valuable than iPhones right now (as people eat their feelings) and Nearly 260 Million Americans Could Be Overweight or Obese by 2050

Predictions

1. DR: CEO Darren Woods joins Juillard School board, sues cellists for playing the cello when they could be playing the violin

2. MM: Kraft Heinz blames board chair Miguel Patricio, who’s background outside being an ex-CEO of Kraft Heinz, includes marketing at Anhesuer-Busch, Companhia de Bebidas (Brazilian beer), Philip Morris, and Coca-Cola, for the Mac & Cheese lawsuit and loss of Lunchables school contract