Conservative snowflake word policing, illegal to boycott Tesla, Qantas’ chair, and nepobaby merit in Biz Nuggets
DAMION
Let’s start with the blowhards and tech bros:
In our 'Apparently he didn't appreciate the completely objective and unbiased phrase, "Jeff is a smelly and very mean bratty bald billionaire."' headline of the week. Washington Post Columnist Quits After Article Criticizing Jeff Bezos Is Shelved***************
In our 'Jamie Dimon says, "Why be women always be bitchin’?"' headline of the week. Jamie Dimon says it's only 'people in the middle' complaining a lot about RTO***************
In our 'Tesla board says, "Did you see last night's episode of White Lotus?"' headline of the week. Elon Musk said he's running his businesses with 'great difficulty' as Tesla stock falls 15%***************
In our 'Kimball Musk says, Why would somebody hate my brother?' headline of the week. Elon Musk claims ‘massive cyber-attack’ caused X outages*************** https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2025/mar/10/elon-musk-cyberattack-x-outages
In our 'He learned the technique by studying how Mark Zuckerberg treats his customers and investors' headline of the week. Xi Jinping used 'a human Chinese wall' of soldiers to block eye contact between him and Mark Zuckerberg, new book says***************
In our 'Holy Shit! I agree with something out of the Trump administration!' headline of the week. ‘Cheap goods’ aren’t part of the American Dream, Trump’s treasury secretary says***************
MATT
Chapter 1: Tesla is still a company
In our 'I'm sorry, we can't take this, it's been infested with Kimbal Musk's ironic cowboy hats' headline of the week. Tesla owners offloading their cars over Elon Musk backlash are in for a nasty surprise
In our '76% sales drop in Germany, 50% drop in China, 48% drop in Denmark and Norway, 26% drop in France... PLUS ONE CAR, BITCH. SAVED.' headline of the week. Trump says he'll buy a Tesla to support Elon Musk as the stock tanks
In our 'There's just something so attractive about exploding rockets, dead monkeys, tunnels to nowhere, car recalls, and Nazi memes' headline of the week. With the stock cut in half, Tesla investors want their CEO back
In our 'Also, how fairies, unicorns, and leprechauns affect stock price' headline of the week. How the ‘Musk premium’ influences Tesla’s worth
In our 'I think there are some employees available with government experience' headline of the week. Elon Musk says he wants to double the DOGE team's head count
Chapter 2: The Snowflake Word Police
In our 'Clark Kent is definitely not Superman. Did you not see the glasses?' headline of the week. Don’t Call it ESG, Call it Resilience
In our 'But the glasses! The glasses!! Look at the glasses!!!!' headline of the week. In Trump’s new purge of climate language, even ‘resilience’ isn’t safe
In our 'By order, please refrain from our manflake trigger words: climate, environment, governance, sustainability, woman, breast (noting that "boobies" are fine), bird (unless referring to a woman), gay (unless referring to Rudy Gay, the ex NBA player), lesbian (unless they're like, really hot), and all forms of trans, including transgender, transportation, transformers, and transcript.' headline of the week. Trump Administration Directs Federal Agencies to Scrub So-Called ‘Woke’ Terms from Federal Websites and Communications
In our 'We will no longer refer to them as "Earnings" reports, either, as earnings has E, S, and G in the word. From now on, we will only release "No to more ladies" reports, since it has the letter M-E-R-I-T.' headline of the week. Companies ‘Erase’ ESG from Their Earnings Reports
Chapter 3: Humor is dead
In our 'Here's a joke: how many research studies on a bosses jokes does it take to figure out if employees like them?' headline of the week. Bosses who think they’re funny create emotional labor for employees, says study
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In our 'Guy who's name sounds like colon joins board of company unironically named after a body part size, proving once again nominating committees cannot possibly be using data to make decisions. Juvenile' headline of the week. MySize Inc. Appoints Roy Golan to Board of Directors
DAMION
In our 'They tend to hog all those little creamers and they do that thing with the pizza where it's like they don't take the next slice of pizza, you know? Like they rip that piece off and then grab the bigger piece which means they’re just touching all the pizza and getting the better piece… They're just gross, sorry!' headline of the week. Qantas chairman warns directors of ‘dominant CEOs’ in board search***************
In our 'Qantas chairman says "It's best really to make no eye contact, to silence your breathing completely, and if necessary, crawl up into a small bowl ball, lower your heart rate, and play dead for as long as you can' headline of the week. Qantas chairman says business should not be woke or anti-woke***************
In our 'L'Oreal says, "I'm pretty sure I said cinnamon and not cancer!"' headline of the week. L’Oreal recalls acne treatment on cancer-linked chemical***************
In our 'The other half giggled uncontrollably, and then checked their email, and then just sort of quietly wandered off' headline of the week. Nearly Half of Energy Executives Think We Won’t Reach Net Zero Until 2070***************
In our 'HSBC's managing director and global head of ESG solutions says I appreciated it actually, the tag on my new t-shirt was bugging me and I couldn't quite reach it… it was a whole thing' headline of the week. HSBC scratches top ESG banking role***************
Farnam Bidgoli, managing director and global head of ESG solutions, has had her job terminated. She is on maternity leave and was due to return to work quite soon
In our 'Berkshire Hathaway director Howard Buffett says he waited in his mother's womb for an extra 2 hours despite the fact that her cervix was fully dilated when he was just an infant to shake the ‘stigma of being the owner’s kid’ and ‘earn respect’' headline of the week. In-N-Out’s billionaire heiress says she stood in line for 2 hours to land a job at her own store when she was just a teenager to shake the ‘stigma of being the owner’s kid’ and ‘earn respect’***************
