BIZ NUGGETS: Meta's illegal, butter clogged canals, Chevron's modest tumor, Ford invents knobs, Louisiana is where fun goes to die, and Serena Williams' husband
LIVE from a bunker inside Damion’s Azore’s five star hotel, it’s BIZ NUGGETS THURSDAY EDITION OF BUSINESS PANTS!
Joined again today by no one, I’m the one true Matt Moscardi, Lord of Board Sabermetrics.
In today’s unfunny bag of butter covered nuggets called January 5, 2023, BUTTER!
Up top - a thanks to our sponsor ESGauge, your ESG data solutions provider
Also a reminder - next week, we have some big shows you won’t want to miss, including our annual predictiongasm where we predict the future and go over our 2022 hits and misses, and next THURSDAY, Vivek Ramaswamy, the founder of Strive Asset Management and the author of Woke, Inc. will be with us to play the Good Game and talk anti-woke. But enough of that, let’s get this going…
MATT1
In our… yes, hi, so for our new product, Board Sabermetrics, which measures the power and performance of board members, we’re looking to place an ad - ideally, we want it seen by primarily minorities, preferably identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community, but only those that liked Parks and Rec, because that show is great, and anyone that DOESN’T listen to Steely Dan, he seems very un-woke to me. And also, they should be working at a major asset manager and have a lakeview apartment that cost at least the USD equivalent of 1.3 million dollars… headline of the week: Meta’s personalized ads violate privacy, an EU court ruled
In our… FIVE days??? And I don’t get the same amount for more than a MONTH??? HONEY, WE’RE MOVING TO LONDON! Fuck this country, it’s going entirely to hell... headline of the week: Top bosses set to surpass annual pay of average worker just five days into 2023
This was for UK firms on the FTSE 100. Last year, the average CEO pay ratio in the US was at 330 or so - so US CEOs are waiting nearly a MONTH. Get pissed.
In our… This trout is fucking DELICIOUS! Where did you say it was from?... headline of the week: A fire at a Wisconsin dairy factory melted butter and clogged up a canal
If you’re wondering the ESG angle here, the best we could come up with is the clog may have implications for rainwater flooding into the Fox River upstream, which could really do damage to the 7 annual tourists that visit Fort Winnebago along the river where Red Bird, the Winnebago chief, who’s people were unjustly incarcerated after the US government was worried they might mine minerals in their own land, then invited to a cabin for refreshments and discussion before being attacked. ESG!
In our… When asked for comment, the CFO said, “We are well positioned to capitalize on this large market opportunity through our holistic approach to consumer health solutions. Further, we think the named Kenvue, named after a Ken doll, which evokes blondness and wholesome consumer sales, and “Acuvue”, which is our flagship contact lens brand, really captures the potential addressable market we intend to capitalize.”... headline of the week: Johnson & Johnson Files For IPO of Consumer Health Division Kenvue
In our… did you hear? The woke LA Times now thinks that male and female actors can equally play Marvel superheroes. It’s disgusting. Everyone knows that it takes different skills to wear skin tight green body suits that will be fully digitized later… EVERYONE… headline of the week: L.A. Times Promotes Gender-Neutral Film Awards - National Review
In our… good news and bad news - we find a tumor in your brain that will probably kill you. That’s the bad news. The good news is it’s really only a modest tumor…. Headline of the week: Chevron CEO Defends Record Profits as ‘Modest Return’ Over Time - BNN Bloomberg
In our… Elon says we’re not allowed to use any of the toilets until he personally tests them first, but I dunno, it seems like he doesn’t even do the “if it’s brown, flush it down” part of the saying… does anyone have a bucket I can use?... headline of the week: Dirty bathrooms force Twitter employees to bring their own toilet paper after Elon Musk fires janitors - Economic Times
In our… This latest release we’ve added a number of features, including a “wheel” with the latest in turning technology and a pedal that injects liquid energy directly into an AI-related central hub we like to call an “engine” that creates near frictionless motion…headline of the week: Ford updates Mustang Mach-E UI; now you can turn a knob to change temps
In our… this just in, an employee at Tyson Foods cross dressed as a nanny in order to see his kids after he was told he wouldn’t be allowed to because he drunkenly broke into a stranger’s house and fell to sleep, a move he said was inspired by Mrs. Doubtfire… headline of the week: Employee arrested and charged with stealing over $302,000 after authorities say he was inspired by the movie ‘Office Space’
In our… no, that didn’t count as a tag, no way! You’re such a cheater Carl! Fine, new rule, before you tag me in the next game of tag you need to show me ID that proves you’re tag-eligible and write an affidavit proving you don’t discriminate by targeting me as your primary tag target, and if you don’t, then I won’t play with you anymore, I just WON’T… headline of the week: Pornhub is requiring viewers in Louisiana to verify their age with a government ID as part of a new state law
This on the back of yesterday’s headline, Louisiana conservatives consider ban on liberal business agendas
They do realize Mardi Gras is in Louisiana, right?
In our… HEY MA! YOUR BURGER BUN IS THE 9TH MOST LIKELY THING TO MAKE YOU DEVELOP HIVES, TELL DAD!... headline of the week: Sesame just became an official U.S. food allergen. So why are restaurant brands now adding it to foods?
In our… I’ll take your bomb cyclone and polar vortex and raise you an atmospheric river… headline of the week: California braces for powerful atmospheric river storm
California spent two decades in basically a permadrought, and the hope is the sky will dump 20 years worth of water on the state in the next 48 hours. That sounds healthy.
In our… wait, there are twenty six HUNDRED of them??? That feels like a lot… in a population of 8 billion people, I mean, 2,600 is like a whole TOWN worth… what if we did just billionaires who were self made? There are more than 700 of those??? Jesus. What about self made white dudes? There are 600 of those??? I guess just focus on the dead ones for this list… headline of the week: The Billionaires Who Died In 2022 - Forbes
In our… all headlines should be phrased this way…headline of the week: Serena Williams’ Husband Alexis Ohanian Targets Elon Musk as He Dishes Out ‘Physics-Based’ Advice to the Controversial CEO - EssentiallySports
