BIZ NUGGETS: Irish bananas, Strive hates Singapore now, legionella spas, Zuck's bear trap, war on conservatives, Texas does China, Musk's Optimus robots, and VW is terrible
LIVE from the backseat of TikTok’s Head of Trust and Safety’s 2004 Toyota Camry, it’s the podcast the Wall Street Journal called “Are those like dress pants?” featuring BS maestro Matt Moscardi and me. In today’s ESG-sanctioned air guitar called March 2, 2023: biz nuggets!
DAMION1
In our 'Hey Ma, What? What did they say? What? Ma!? Maaaa!!!? Dad!!!! Whattttt?!!' headline of the week. Almost 2.5 billion people could suffer with hearing loss by 2050
In our 'Hey Ma, Is dad sitting down? I've got some bad news for him and it's sure as shit not about bananas' headline of the week. Coffee, bananas, and chocolate could disappear from Irish shelves by 2050
In our 'Strive Asset Management has been busy all night on the phone with its new head of Media, Scott Adams, to discuss the best policy to combat this horrible headline' headline of the week. Record Number of Singapore's New Director Roles Filled by Women
In our 'The board celebrated at Wilmington hotspot Farmer and the Cow with a “Moo Caliente” burger, featuring habanero, ghost aioli, onion straws, avocado crema, and pepper jack cheese. When asked why they didn't celebrate at the McDonald's located half a mile from the courthouse, the board's longest-tenured director and chair, Rick Hernandez, said, "Do I look like some kind of asshole to you?" He also said, "Look, idiot, we also just beat a sexual misconduct oversight case despite our board having zero women in leadership positions and representing less than 19% of total influence according to Board Sabermetrics data. So how about you give me a break and let me go celebrate something that needs celebrating."' headline of the week. McDonald's Directors Beat Sexual Misconduct Oversight Lawsuit
In our 'I would like to add, however, that the banana walnut muffins in our breakfast buffet are moderately delicious and only contain Legionella bacteria at 1,200 times the permitted level' headline of the week. Hotel chief apologizes for only changing the water in a spa bath twice a year instead of once a week
Legionella bacteria was found in the Japanese bath at 3,700 times the permitted level. "I was not aware of the law myself and thought that legionella bacteria was a common bacterium that could be found anywhere" and that staff had not added chlorine to the water for hygiene reasons "because we selfishly disliked the smell of chlorine."
In our 'I guess they heard about the banana walnut muffins' headline of the week. Cruise Ships Return to Japan Three Years After Deadly Diamond Princess Outbreak
MATT1
In our 'Wait, do you mean large gay men? Or cocaine laced? Or just your run of the mill brown, black, and grizzly?' headline of the week. Meta Turnaround Could Trap Bears
In our 'Obviously, I'm not talking about the antisemitic unleashing. Or the anti-black. Or the kind with swastikas. Or the kind that impregnates half the office. Or the petulant kind. Or the kind that doesn't pay bills, hates the woke mind virus, and fires most of his staff. Wait, what are we unleashing again?' headline of the week. Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff's message to leaders: Do you need to unleash the Elon within you?
In our 'Dude... are you high yet? All I smell is corn syrup and shame... there's no way I can build this POANG chair if I'm not stoned, what is wrong with this glue??...' headline of the week. IKEA to Switch to Bio-Based Glue to Reduce Climate Footprint
In our 'I feel super mad at working all the time. But also ultra awesome about being rich. But also wicked bummed about splinters. And also mega radical about melted cheese.' headline of the week. Marc Andreessen says he feels great after quitting drinking 6 months ago, but he's 'super mad' about being so focused and working until bedtime
In our 'THESE COMPANIES DECLARED WAR WITH US??? THEN IT'S WAAAAR! Now I'm off to buy pickles and a hammer - hmmmm... not Best Buy, Home Depot, Macy's, Target, Walmart, Amazon, Chewy, eBay, Etsy, Shopify, not even Alibaba because they're too woke... no Altria, Coca-Cola, McDonald's, Pepsi, Starbucks, Cargill, HelloFresh, JM Smucker... can't get my money out of my woke bank now - Ally, BofA, BMO, Citi, Berkshire, Deutsche, TD, Wells Fargo, JPM, US Bank, PNC, First Republic... Ukraine was right, war sucks' headline of the week. These 51 big businesses target conservatives. Here’s what you can do to stop them
In our 'It's in these times that I ask myself, "What would an autocratic communist country do?" They would block internet access to stuff I don't like, that's what.' headline of the week. Texas Republican wants ISPs to block a wide range of abortion websites
In our 'Whaddya mean they look at data about cripples?? Are you saying I just said in my book I wanted to cripple cripples???' headline of the week. DeSantis calls for 'crippling the ESG movement' in new book
DAMION2
In our 'a press filing with the SEC revealed on the same day that an Optimus robot was appointed as Tesla's new lead independent director' headline of the week. Elon Musk predicts Tesla's humanoid 'Optimus' robots will eventually outnumber human
Musk first revealed Tesla's "Optimus" robots in 2021, though the prototype was revealed to be a person in a bodysuit.
In our 'Wait, so let me get this straight. So you're telling me we have to stop saying, "Our empty pretzel bags cure kids’ cancer? Can we keep saying "our contrails cure athlete's foot in under-represented communities in urban centers in western africa?"' headline of the week. Advertising Watchdog says Lufthansa Ad Made Misleading Environmental Claims
“CONNECTING THE WORLD. PROTECTING ITS FUTURE.”
In our 'From Vivek's diary: Wait, if Starbucks is woke then do we trust them to assess their own labor practices? But wait, isn't all labor woke anyway? But wait, is labor woke or just labor that wants more pay? But wait, what about black gay labor that doesn't want to unionize? Are they woke? But wait, if Starbucks’ labor is woke and Starbucks’ management is woke does that cancel out the woke? But wait, are outside assessments woke? Shit, wait, would it be ok if the outside assessors were a merit-based appointment? Crap, I better ask Strive’s Head of Corporate Governance Justin Danaher. He might have to pray on this one. Shit, being President is already exhausting' headline of the week. ISS recommends Starbucks shareholders vote for outside assessment of labor policies
In our 'Business Insider has officially run out of things to say' headline of the week. Passenger says airline offered him an 8-hour bus ride to his destination after his connecting flight was canceled
In our 'best public relations headline of the week that doesn't even need a joke' headline of the week. Police say Volkswagen refused to track a stolen car with an abducted 2-year-old inside — after the thieves ran over the child's pregnant mother — until the owner paid a fee because her GPS subscription expired
And finally… In our '4-day workweek!? It's 2-day workweek!!!' headline of the week. Will ChatGPT write our future ESG reports?
