BIZ NUGGETS: Board "takes seriously” ADM accounting probe, Boeing door plugs suck everywhere, Musk’s hostage situation, Dollar General’s DEI>growth?
Live from an ESG-drenched wet poodle, it’s yet another Manic Monday edition of Business Pants. Joined as always by Analyst-Hole Matt Moscardi! In today’s protected class of weed gummies called January 22, 2024: biz nuggets!
Our show today is being sponsored by Free Float Analytics, the only ESG data platform to measure real board influence and diversity power gaps
DAMION1
In our 'Hey Ma, Dad Is Being Investigated! What will the neighbors think?! Oh, wait a minute, the headline doesn't even name him, just calls him CFO, so nobody will know. Never mind!' headline of the week. *********** ADM Plunges After Placing Its CFO on Leave During Accounting Probe
CFO Vikram Luthar.
“The board takes these matters very seriously,” Terry Crews, ADM’s lead director, said in the statement.
Terry Crews is the former CFO and CEO of Vegetables at Monsanto, a company once listed as the "most hated company in the world" and whose reputation was so horrible that when Bayer acquired it in 2018 it immediately changed the Monsanto name
In our 'While the Christian Taliban in New Hampshire is threatening to imprison ESG analysts, the technokings are busy destroying the world' headline of the week. *********** AI Voice-Cloning Startup ElevenLabs Valued at $1.1 Billion: Andreessen Horowitz, Sequoia and others invest $80 million in two-year-old startup.
Here's a quote from a recent Vanity Fair article about Peter Thiel, Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and Marc Andreessen: "If we are to inquire how we got to a place of radical income inequality, post-truth reality, and the looming potential for a second American Civil War, we need look no further than these four—’the biggest wallets,’ to paraphrase historian Timothy Snyder, ‘paying for the most blinding lights.’”
ElevenLabs CEO and co-founder Mati Staniszweski came directly from Peter Thiel's Palantir Technologies, where he deployed Palantir products at scale across the public and private sector.
In our 'Hey Ma, why are there so many New Hampshire State Police in Copenhagen? Isn't their annual retreat in July at Like Winnipesaukee?' headline of the week. *********** Danish pension fund divests Chinese solar investments over ESG concerns
P+, the pension fund for academics and doctors, has pulled investments in Chinese solar panel manufacturers due the risk of being linked to forced labor activities.
In our 'Welcome To Florida!, where our version of not “politically discriminating” is to “politically discriminate” against woke liberals' headline of the week. *********** Over 100 Florida banks sign anti-ESG agreement to not ‘politically discriminate’
Banks across Florida have signed an agreement with the state’s CFO, Jimmy Patronis, to not “politically discriminate” in exchange for being designated Qualified Public Depositories, or QPDs, that can accept public funds.
Some major banks that signed on include Bank of America, Citibank, PNC, TD Bank, Wells Fargo and JPMorgan Chase.
In our 'Oh never mind, let the headline speak for itself' headline of the week. *********** Kyte Baby CEO Ying Liu is forced to post TWO groveling apologies after she fired worker Marissa Hughes who asked to work remotely while her adopted premature NEWBORN was hospitalized
MATT1
In our 'Really? You found a joint in my locker? Wow, that's so weird. I never would have put it there. Well, thank you, I'll go check my other things and make sure this never happens again, really glad you found the only joint I probably have...' headline of the week. US authorities say more Boeing 737 planes should get checks after door plug blowout
In our 'No, there's no need to check my backpack too for more joints. I mean, there's NO WAY they could be there. I assume you won't be calling my parents and this is the end of all questions about the matter, thank you so much for bringing it to my attention.' headline of the week. FAA urges door plug checks on second Boeing model ‘as soon as possible’
In our 'Yeah, well we deep fried ours twice and put it in a brioche bun with spicy whiskey barbeque sauce, AND it's made from an organic cotton spandex blend for maximum sheerness. Take that, Lululemon' headline of the week. Yoga wars heat up as Levi's Beyond Yoga taps former Athleta CEO, Gap veteran as next chief executive
In our 'So, really, thank you for letting me stay in your house that you bought. And seriously, sorry I broke the toilet seat cover. But I should tell you, if you even TRY to replace the broken toilet seat cover, I swear to God I will sue you and your family and your mom and your cat.' headline of the week. Exxon Sues Two ESG Investors
In our 'Idiot says words, then says more.' headline of the week. MSCI under fire for ESG ratings ‘biases’ that could cost investors
DAMION2
In our 'If only there was a literal mechanism to hold corporate directors responsible for something in our society' headline of the week. *********** ‘Greedflation’ caused more than half of last year’s inflation surge, study finds, as corporate profits remain at all-time highs
In our 'How many Tesla board members does it take to change a lightbulb? None. Elon said the light bulb is working just fine so they all huddle around Kimbal Musk's patchouli candle' headline of the week. *********** Musk's AI company secures $500M toward $1B funding goal
In our 'Best CEO doing a jigsaw puzzle' headline of the week. *********** CEO of pro-DeSantis super PAC worked on a 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzle within view of staffers days before the Iowa caucuses, which the Florida governor lost
Scott Wagner became CEO and Chair of the Never Back Down PAC after Chris Jankowski quit in November.
Scott was a college friend of Ron.
Before he took over, NBC News reported this confrontation with former PAC consultant Jeff Roe: “You have a stick up your a--, Scott,” Roe fumed at Wagner, who is a member of the Never Back Down board. “Why don’t you come over here and get it?” Wagner responded, rising from his chair. He was quickly restrained by two fellow board members.
In our 'I'll take the protected class for $1000, Alex' headline of the week. *********** Disgraced ex-Carillion boss lands senior US role months after UK boardroom ban
Richard Howson, who received an eight-year disqualification from the Insolvency Service in October, has been named construction president at Tampa-based TECfusions.
TECfusions builds and renovates datacentres and combined heat and power systems.
In our 'But she still will have use of the company jet, right?' headline of the week. *********** Elizabeth Holmes barred from federal health programs for 90 years
the real joke is the sub-headline: Former Theranos CEO barred from receiving payments from federal health programs
MATT2
In our 'It's like Martin Luther King once said: I have a dream of a place free of Disney and their trans gay woke agenda that is killing this country, and I am dropping out to fight it' headline of the week. Ron DeSantis ended his campaign on an optimistic Churchill quote that's actually fake
In our 'Shit, I should have said, "kissing and replacing the baking soda in the back of the fridge after 14 years." ' headline of the week. Sam Altman Stumped When Asked What Humans Will Do Better Than AI
In our 'The Tech Bro gig economy is working: now, shopping for groceries takes as long as shopping for groceries, but without the unions.' headline of the week. Why is your grocery delivery taking so long? Your driver has 2 other deliveries.
In our 'At Dollar General, our four operating principles are profitable growth, growth opportunities, low cost growth, and DEI. In a separate note, we've prepared the following statement: perpetual short-term profit maximizing had nothing to do with these allegations. If anything, it was the black people.' headline of the week. Dollar General Overcharges ‘Hundreds of Thousands’ of Customers, Lawsuit Alleges
In our 'Look, this is a slippery slope people. First we cut prices, then we need to agree with the Great Replacement theory, then we have to hire Kanye West to run marketing. ' headline of the week. Stellantis CEO warns of EV ‘bloodbath’ and ‘race to the bottom’ if car makers follow Elon Musk’s lead and start cutting prices
