BIZ NUGGETS: Board approves 200 condiment combinations, DEI fueled.. growth?, climate and/or HVAC concerned Millennials, Montana's anti-GHG law, and Exxon says people WANT climate change

LIVE from the Committee to Unleash Prosperity's Very Heterosexual Mini-Golf Course, it’s the podcast that puts the silly into ESG, featuring BS maestro Matt Moscardi and me, the guy who puts Extra Dumb into ESG. In today’s ESG-approved bedskirt called May 18, 2023: biz nuggets!

DAMION1

1. In our 'Hey Ma, they finally figured out a way to combine my love for cinnamon, A1 Steak sauce, sugar-free Ketchup, Kimchi, pickled relish, and nutella, Tell dad!' headline of the week. Kraft Heinz unveils customizable sauce dispenser with more than 200 condiment combos for restaurants

1. In our 'according to a company spokesperson: we thought lowering the lights and getting people trippy high would be the perfect way to distract them from how cheap this shit truly is"' headline of the week. Ikea Is Holding Raves As Part of New Customer Experience

1. In our 'The new product will be called "iSuck" and its featured technology is the ability to set scheduled self-hate calls to berate yourself for sucking at life, being a shitty friend, having chubby thighs, etc.' headline of the week. Apple says your iPhone will soon be able to speak in your voice with 15 minutes of training

1. In our 'Wendy's also announced a synergistic move to start offering 6-, 12-, and 20-piece extra crunchy rat nuggets.' headline of the week. Wendy's is testing underground tunnels to deliver pickup orders, so you can skip the drive-thru

1. In our 'Anti-Woke champion Vivek Ramaswamy was not available for comment but was seen sobbing gently throwing out all the decor from his Man Cave mumbling, "First Walmart and now Target, I guess the only excellence left in retail is the Shitty Dollar Store?!"' headline of the week. Target CEO: DEI has ‘fueled much of our growth over the last 9 years

1. In our 'Elizabeth Holmes has filed yet another appeal to delay her prison sentence as she pitches "Liz and Billy and our 2 keep-me-out-of prison babies" to Tubi and Paramount Plus' headline of the week. Reality TV To The Rescue? Amid Writers’ Strike, ABC And Fox Lean On Unscripted Shows

1. In our 'Over 84% of of Gen Z, Millennials Would also switch jobs over non-organic-tuna fish-in-the-microwave smells' headline of the week. Over 40% of Gen Z, Millennials Would Switch Jobs Over Climate Concerns

1. In our 'Ron DeSantis submits legislation to ban Ford SUV cameras for grades K-12 , public colleges, and Disney rides' headline of the week. Ford is recalling more than 422,000 SUVs to fix the rear camera display

MATT1

1. In our 'Check out Jeff Bezos enjoying his 73% influence over the Amazon boardroom with or without his shirt on!' headline of the week. Go check out the first photos of a shirtless Jeff Bezos enjoying his new $500 million megayacht with girlfriend Lauren Sanchez

1. In our 'I can't believe I'm about to say this, but what happened to just porn and boobs?' headline of the week. YouTube recommended videos about guns, school shootings, and serial killers to researchers simulating accounts of young boys

1. In our 'I'm sorry I can't come to the door right now. I'm very ill and I'm afraid that in my weakened condition, I could take a nasty spill down the stairs and subject myself to further school absences.' headline of the week. Apple says your iPhone will soon be able to speak in your voice with 15 minutes of training

1. In our 'May it be mandated that hereforthwith all business shall be conducted with thy fingers plugging thine nose and thou's mouth closed to avoid even the merest whiff of GHG emissions, for they do not exist' headline of the week. Montana’s New Anti-Climate Law May Be the Most Aggressive in the Nation

1. In our 'Clams?  They want CLAMS??  This is Nantucket, not some working class Cape Cod bay bullshit. Tell them we won't sue if they only serve pufferfish cheeks, or else I'm calling my dad.' headline of the week. Billionaire Sues Nantucket Clam Shack Set To Open Near His House—Here's Why

1. In our 'Home Depot co-founder blames ‘woke diversity’ for businesses failing to ‘hit the bottom line’' headline of the week. Home Depot says its $1 billion boost to wages has already improved customer satisfaction and worker safety – a bright spot in an otherwise gloomy Q1

1. In our 'I'm not planning to do so, no.' headline of the week. Ex-SVB CEO Won't Commit to Giving Up $10 Million Annual Pay

1. In our 'Hey, Ma!  My teacher said I'll never amount to anything and I should just stop trying because I'm a stupid moron anyway!  Tell Dad!' headline of the week. Exxon rebuts proxy advisor, says net zero emissions scenario 'unlikely'

1. In our 'My doctor said I should stop eating HoHos and anchovies for dinner every night since it'll give me diabetes and high cholesterol.  But fuck it, what are the chances I listen to that, right?' headline of the week. Exxon rebuts proxy advisor, says net zero emissions scenario 'unlikely'

1. In our 'Wait, you mean Greg Goff ISN'T environmentally friendly?  Wait, he was an OIL executive??  How the hell did no one see this when we ELECTED him to the board?' headline of the week. Exxon rebuts proxy advisor, says net zero emissions scenario 'unlikely'